10 Ways to Improve My Sex Life

When you first connect with a new partner, there are plenty of hot, passionate moments. As you continue your relationship, the heat starts to die down a little bit. Not only can this start to cause tension in a relationship, it can also start to cause anxiety and stress in the individual partners who are in that relationship. If you have started to feel like your sex life is a little boring or lacking, read up.  This hot and steamy blog offers ten things those looking for ways to improve my sex life can do to spice it up with their partners.

1. Go on dates again.

A lot of couples who have been together for more than a few months will stop going on dates. Especially if you live together, you probably spend a lot of your time together anyway. When couples move in together, the idea of going on dates is oftentimes one of the first things to go (out the window).   Going on dates, just like you did when your relationship was fresh, is a good way to rekindle that spark you had at the beginning of your relationship.

2. Plan for it.

As with anything else in your busy life, it can be easy to push sex off when you are tired or just not in the mood. Over time, if you do that again and again, weeks or months might pass until you have sex. Sex is an important part of every relationship. It maintains intimacy and demonstrates our deepest depth of love and commitment.  Sex, therefore, should be treated as a priority. For example, if having sex twice a week is normal for you and your partner, then sex twice a week should be the goal.  It’s important that you reserve time for sex as a commitment to your relationship and expression of love for one another.  Instead of just hoping sex happens, make a realistic plan for when you want to set aside time to have sex, especially if you are having difficult time fitting it into your schedule. Otherwise, your busy life will always be busy and will ultimately be too busy for sex.

3. Redo the bedroom.

The same environment can, over time, become mundane. Especially because you do so much else in your bedroom, the space can become to feel everyday and you no longer feel thrilled by the idea of climbing into bed with your partner. While the bedroom was once the place where you slipped off to in order to have sex, it collects boring, every day associations over time. While you don’t have to do something drastic to your bedroom, changing the space up a little bit, like getting new sheets and comforters or a new bed frame or changing the color of the walls can help relight the spark. Lighting can also make a big difference.  Set up a series of candles or add lighting instruments that dance to music or that cast unusual colors of purple, green or blue in the room. A little environmental change might be all you need!

4. Get out of the house.

Overtime, having sex in your own bed over and over again can become boring. Even if the pair of you are not very much for role playing, you might still find it interesting and exciting to steal off to a hotel for a night of lovemaking. Especially because your own home can become a space that is so filled with thoughts of the future and memories of the past (and sex is best experienced when you are in the moment), getting out of the house and having sex somewhere else can improve your sex life. Another option is to challenge yourselves to have sex in your house, but anywhere but the bedroom for a few weeks.  Try out the kitchen, enjoy the bathroom in new way or re-christen that old college couch in your basement.

5. Discuss fantasies.

Everyone has a fantasy when it comes to sex. Most are pretty run of the mill, but many people keep even those fantasies buried. Talking about those fantasies and how they can be fulfilled is a great way to light the fire under a sex life that has gone stale. If you have a fantasy, share it with your partner.  Doing so will give s/he some new ideas for how to engage you in sex in the future.

6. Check in with your partner.

If you often feel like you are in the mood for sex but your partner is not, the issue might simply be that you are out of sync. If s/he hasn’t expressed to you what turns them on, now is a good time to talk about it and find out what your partner wants, needs and expects out of their love life. If you feel like you two have opposing sex drives, the real problem might be that one partner is not getting what s/he needs in the way of stimuli. Out of sync issues shouldn’t be taken personally. Approach this topic with an open mind and an open heart. Don’t forget that hormonal changes, mood disorders (like anxiety and depression), substance use/abuse and chronic stress will impact your sex life. It’s important to talk with your partner and discuss what you both need, want and expect.

7. Try something new.

Decide, even before it’s time to have sex, that this time you two are going to try something new. Especially if you have been sticking to the same positions and same places, you could be falling into a routine of sex. Anything that is routine can become boring. Even just a new, more challenging position can get both partners excited for sex again. If you’re not sure what turns you on, you and your partner should try a variety of different things. Experiment with sex toys, watch porn together to get aroused or join a lifestyle group.  Experimenting with what’s unfamiliar might be just what the therapist ordered!

8. Don’t ignore the real problems.

Both men and women can suffer from very real physical and sexual dysfunctions that can make trying to have sex embarrassing. Luckily, in our modern world, there are lots of solutions for those problems. If the issue with your sex life goes beyond simply being bored with your current sexual routine, get help for those problems. Talk with your doctor, see a urologist and find a sex therapist in your community.  There’s lots of resources out there. Don’t let feelings of embarrassment and shame perpetuate more chronic feelings of embarrassment and shame.

9. Don’t always take the fastest route.

When you have been having sex with one person for a long time, you know exactly what you can do to get to the finish line as quickly as possible. Putting too much emphasis on the destination and not enough on the process of getting there can turn sex into a businesslike transaction, rather than an intimate expression of love. Learn to take your time. Engage in foreplay, and not just in the moment while you are undressing and touching each other.  Start the morning off with sexy texts and pictures to one another, building the intensity until you see each other.

10. Don’t worry about what other people are doing.

Many times, people are perfectly happy with their sex lives. Then, they hear about how often their friends have sex and start to wonder if they are not actually being fulfilled. Worrying too much about how your sex life compares to others and not about how it fulfills your needs is a recipe for disaster. Focus on yourself and your partner, not the Jones.